It's Time Again For Hilarious Amazon Reviews
Why Amazon reviews you ask. Because they have become an art form. Don't believe me? Amazon created a book of their best product reviews, "Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews"
Here is a collection of our favorite Amazon product reviews. Enjoy!
Photo Credit: Waterfall Audio
1. Waterfall Audio "Niagara" Diamond Glass Floor Standing Loudspeakers, Price: $29,690.63 [but, hey, free shipping!] Probably great speakers, but $29,690?
Best Review: by Perry Cardia, 5.0 out of 5 stars
The Best Decision I Ever Made, I debated for weeks between buying these bad boys, or getting my wife of 17 years her much needed heart transplant.
Although I miss her very much, me and my ears have never regretted my decision....and on these diamond glass, "paragon of clarity" speakers, my wife's old record collection I inherited sounds...well...TO DIE FOR!
Awww sweetie....If only you and Jesus could hear this home theater setup now...
Photo Credit: Hutzler
2. Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer. This product is a total game changer for your kitchen!
Features: Faster, safer than using a knife
Great for cereal [I think they mean for cutting bananas to put on cereal]
Plastic, dishwasher safe
Slice your banana with one quick motion
Kids love slicing their own bananas
Best Review: SW3K, 5.0 out of 5 stars
No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!, For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I'll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.
Second Best: Tom. Got this as a wedding gift. I thought it was for sex! Boy was I wrong! We had to go to the ER on our wedding night. Three hours in the ER was not a great way to spend our first night married. But... now that we know it's a real BANANA slicer, this thing really does work!!!
Third Best: Mrs Toledo. 5.0 out of 5 stars. Saved my marriage.
What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!
Photo Credit: John W. Trimmer
3. How to Avoid Huge Ships, Paperback. Truly inspirational how-to book.
New from $322.96 [Wow, seems a bit pricey]
Best Review: David O'Leary, 5.0 out of 5 stars, FINALLY,
This book is the better known effort by Captain Trimmer, who also wrote the earlier, similarly styled books “How to Park Your Aircraft Carrier” and “Sticking Your Head in the Microwave: A Cautionary Tale”.
As I think we all know, huge ships are a huge problem, even in 2015. No matter what we seem to do, huge ships seem to end up everywhere they don’t belong: swimming pools, dance recitals, professional sporting events, bar mitzvahs, lurking in the shadows of your selfie with friends, etc. It’s something the American public needs to take seriously and become better informed on.
To this end, I bit the bullet and got this book. I have to say, as someone who lives in an area known for huge ships, I, nor anybody I know, has been struck or accosted by a huge ship since I picked up this book. I didn’t realize how liberating it could be to no longer feel like I couldn’t leave my home without a huge ship appearing seemingly out of nowhere, with no other purpose but to run me, my friends, and my family down. I still lock my doors at night, but the nightmares of a ship horn wailing far off in the distance, moving closer and closer menacingly, have almost completely stopped. My wife is sharing a bed with me for the first time in decades.
Captain Trimmer: You’ve saved my life, skipper!
Photo Credit: BIC
4. BIC For Her Fashion Retractable Ball Pen, Medium Point, 1.0 mm, Assorted-Fashion Ink, 2 Count. So women can finally write like men!
Best Review: El Condor, 1.0 out of 5 stars. Danger, Will Robertson, danger.
Gentlemen be warned. Herein lies a tale both strange and horrifying. I cannot explain these events, merely retell them.
I was penning a review piece in my Moleskine journal on the life and works of Ernest Hemingway for the Times, and sadly, mid-sentence in fact, the trusty black BIC I have used for the best part of 7 months ran dry on me. Bereft, I cast my eyes hurriedly around my living room for an alternative.
Nothing availed itself to me, until I spied a hint of pastel poking out from under a Cosmopolitan magazine I had not noticed before. Figuring it must have been my housekeeper's, I lifted it up (carefully) and revealed a pen. But not a type of pen I had ever encountered before. I was immediately wary, but gradually a sense of calm pervaded me as I regarded the gentle lines and soft hues of the mauve BIC Cristal For Her ballpoint pen in front of me. Lulled, I gathered it up into my rough hands, calloused from long years of honest toil, and cautiously prepared to resume writing.
Initially, the discordant feminine tones of the mauve script, juxtaposed against the strong masculine duality of black ink on the crisp white pages, challenged the rhythm of my writing. But as the words began to first flow from me, and then stampede, onto the paper, I told Hemingway's tale. Long into the evening I wrote. As night closed in around me, and, weary, I laid down the pen, I knew as I reclined back in my chair and stretched my lean arms out that I was pleased. Like lofty Kilimanjaro soaring above the tawny plains of the Serengeti, this work would forever be the pinnacle of my oeuvre. Maybe it has been the mysterious, feminine, pen?
I reflected on this in my armchair that night, resting in front of the wood fire with a Cohiba and a glass of Macallan. As the ashes burnt lower and lower, still my mind was on that pen. That mauve BIC Cristal. Looking to distract myself, I searched for the latest issue of GQ magazine that had arrived at my doorstep just the previous day. It had been on top of the heavy oak dining table, but other than the errant Cosmopolitan, there was nary a magazine to be found. Perplexed once more, I retired to bed, hoping for answers with the dawn.
I awoke the next day, the nascent sun lancing through my windowshade to stir my eyes from sleep. Foggy with whisky and troubled dreams, I donned my robe and descended the stairs to the living room. As I prepared my morning single-origin coffee, I thought about my triumphant writing of the previous evening, and was eager to review the piece before deadline. Settling into the leather armchair, I opened my Moleskine and began to read. Almost immediately, my brow furrowed. This wasn't right! They weren't even my words. Hemingway has vanished from the pages, only to be replaced by...something, someone else. "Drivel" was the first thought that struck me as I read, my mind reeling from the shock. But who's drivel?"
...I totally disagree. There is no sin in life worse than being boring-and nothing worse than letting people tell you what to do. I was one of the few heiress to walk the runway as a model. A lot of people thought that was shocking. Why did I do it? Was it a desperate cry for attention, like the papers said? Hardly. It's not like I need any more attention...
"As I read, a slow, mad thought came to me. Somehow, my Hemingway had become Paris Hilton. These were her words, this was her story. 'Confessions of an Heiress', that was the title of her autobiography. But how it come to be written in my journal?
The pen. That damn mauve, shapely, soft, feminine pen.
I turned, and looked for it. It sat there, indolently in the morning sunlight, nestled against my iPod. Somehow, this pen of unknown providence, had subverted my masterwork on that most masculine of literary heroes, and made base metal from what had, all too briefly, been gold. It was the Original Sin played out again, Eve catalysing the debasement of proud Adam. As I watched the pen, marvelling at it's subtle malevolence, a chill descended over me. What else had it done? My eyes sought the magazine, and as I saw it I knew. My GQ had become Cosmo. Almost reluctantly, I reached my iPod, and switched it on. Gone. Everything has gone, Zeppelin, Cash, Beethoven, all of it was now...Taylor Swift.
I lurched back in horror, and snatching up the cursed pen, threw it violently onto the last smouldering embers of last night's fire. As my coffee grew cold, I watched that mauve pen slowly melt away, and I wept.
Postscript: This is the first thing I have written since, and it will be the last. Please gentlemen, spare yourselves my fate, and do not ever use one of these Cristal pens.
Second Best Review: Jessica Wilde. 5.0 out of 5 stars. Even Steven
! gave these to all of the men in my office and they all received pay cuts a few weeks later! Thanks Bic for helping me to bridge the pay gap - at least, in my office.
Photo Credit: Wenger
5. Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant. Features; 87 implements, 141 functions, weighs 7 pounds.
Used (1) from $8,499.99 + $8.50 shipping [Yikes]
Best Review: G.Mckee. 1.0 out of 5 stars, Swiss army tripe!
Awful! The corkscrew attachment is at the extreme edge of the tool, meaning that whenever I open a bottle of wine (3-5 times of an evening) I have to wildly swing the entire tool around causing utter havoc. Last time I uncorked a bottle I performed minor surgery on my wife who was standing in the next room. I also started a small fire, caught a rabbit in a snare and managed to signal the coast guard that I was in danger. And when I came to remove the cork I jerked upwardsley and as I did so I removed a stone from a horses shoe and shaped some nearby branches Into rudimentary defensive spears. Every new bottle brings more elaborate shenanigans into our lives. Some have suggested I stop drinking corked wine but that is just the talk of a psychopath. I shall be returning this for a full refund and say the only people with use for this tool are Boy Scouts with exceptionally long pockets.
Another Tie for Best Review: K. 3.0 out of 5 stars. Changed my life.
Received this knife as a gift for my 18th birthday. Wish I'd have known what it was because as soon as I touched it, I grew a mustache and became a Navy Seal. Mom fainted and my dad laughed and handed me a beer. I was born a girl.
Minus 2 stars because my breasts were really nice.
Photo Credit: Images SI Inc.
6. UFO Detector - Internal magnetometer interfaced with microcontroller for 24 hour/7 days a week monitoring for magnetic anomalies that have been reported with many UFO sightings. [Quite a long name!],
Best Review: Cyphis. 1.0 out of 5 stars. One Star is Too Much for This Product.
I don't know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn't work and I am still getting abducted by UFO's on a regular basis.
Second Best Review: Distraida. 2.0 out of 5 stars. This not work.
We here. This thing not find us. It not work. We watch you from afar. You think, why we post on here? We post because we want become friend. We not like movie. We not want blow up congress. We not want steal water. We not want eat you. Most time not want put thing in butt. When human ready, we show you us. For now, we wait.
Photo Credit: Accoutrements
7. Accoutrements Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats. Your cat is going to Hate you!
Best Review: Michael E. 0 out of 5 stars. turned my cat into a jerk.
I thought it would be fun if my cat looked like a magical unicorn of medieval lore. Not so fun is that he has taken this unicorn mythology a bit too seriously around my girlfriend. Lately, whenever she approaches or tries to pet him, he darts off wildly in a rage. "Only a maiden pure may tame the unicorn!" he says. Jackass.
Photo Credit: Images SI
8. Uranium Ore. Caution Radioactive Content! WTF?
Best Review: Kyle D Smith. 5.0 out of 5 stars. All the Kims love this product
Our beloved Marshall, Kim Jong Un, respectfully requested much uranium for the glory of the Korean people against imperialist aggressors from the USA (except, of course, Dennis Rodman). I am pleased to say that our greatest scientists, or at least the ones that haven't starved to death, have made great use of this product in honor of the Dear Leader, to enhance and improve the mighty power of our nation, which all recognize as the mightiest of all nations. Also, could you send some rice or beans or really anything edible with the next jar?